Let me love what I love
Let judgements be damned
Let the world tick on
The best of me is here now, just as the moon and the stars are the best in each dark night.
Let me know what i know, feel what i feel, be.
This calms me- the colors, textures, patterns, and horizontal layering. the broad expanse of space.
A rivulet is a small stream. A rivulet is to a river as a baby is to an adult. a natural body of running water flowing on or under the earth. Vocabulary.com
Rivulets converge into rivers. Its similar in the mind. Tiny fibers join to carve paths, rivulets, and rivulets join to become even more powerful, even faster. this is the basis for the notions of “what fires together, wires together” and mindless lapses.
thoughts, patterns, patterns of thought. I will always be learning to see them. Even now, do i really see my patterns as much as i think i do?
In this life, I have created and abandoned many rivulets. I know every time I repeat a behavior, it is reinforced. that I am actively cultivating more automatic moves. Mind is trying to adapt, help me out, let me become mindless [think: driving a car]. Mind aspires to efficiency and amuses itself practicing prediction, that feeds into establishing efficiency . How can I harness that capability for the life I am creating? how to use with respect? this is the fast, really fast, part of the human nervous system. The part that gets its start with the details, loving the steps of the process, which almost seems like an oxymoron — the fast nervous system wiring is fueled at the start anyway, by details, following some sequence of steps. It is not interested in the big picture.
Rivulets that allow us to function and appear as normal beings. Aware even. How is it then that i can read something i wrote 5 years ago, and not recognize it as mine? Was i in a rivulet? or am i just somebody so unconnected to who i was 5 years ago?
Thinking: I used to do yoga everyday, why did i stop? I should do yoga today. I think I will start again tomorrow. I will start a new rivulet; maybe it is a reopening of a rivulet.
Each night unfolds as i realize i have been in the same automatic rivulet again; disappointing myself. I chose how to use each of the moments. and then the disappointment and sadness rivulets start. Tunnel vision. I can only see what i have not done and what i have not done right. I missed out on something i wanted. the rivulets merge and then it is a really big river of feeling sad. I will not quit. I can start again. Try again. remember – it took hundreds of tries before the light bulb was invented. Look at each rivulet development as an experiment. Separate from me.
I am hopeful I can forge many new rivulets ahead. I think its important to have an image of what life will look like, what i will feel, what rivulet am i going to cultivate?
Sunrise, Biddeford pool, 5 days ago, Beauty on a frigid January morning
- Week 1 of Heart and Soul with Olga Furman. Great practice with portraits this week, honestly quite frustrating at times. Sunday i sketched the people on the talk shows, only paused it a few times. they actually look somewhat like the real people ))) and i pushed myself to move more quickly. this is progress for me.
- The Noah Webster Dictionary from 1940, a 5×4″ “Handy Edition”. I love the Reference material at the end. Correct English, rules for punctuation, and Mythological and classical names caught by attention this morning.
- who knew Marsyas, God of nature, was flayed alive.
- Relaxing breathing technique and Presence
- Classical stretch, PBS, Miranda White, Feels Wonderful!
When looking for sunrise photo, saw this NY Times headline from 2012,
Self compassion is: Mindfulness, self-kindness instead of self-judgements, and widening our lens to see our self as ‘like’ other people in that others suffer too.
From Kristin Neff’s Website:
We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time
When confronted with personal failings….You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are.
What I found this week a.k.a. The Discovery Tour of Life
You Tube: T.A.N.G.O.Dancing Mindfulness Style – a 6 minute taster by creator Jamie Marich. Even if you have no interest in Tango-ing, its a great get-up-from-your-chair-and-move-for-5-minutes prompt with energetic Tango music.
School of Life.com: The School of Life is devoted to developing emotional intelligence through the help of culture. We address such issues as how to find fulfilling work, how to master the art of relationships, how to understand one’s past, how to achieve calm, and how better to understand and, where necessary change, the world.
I fully enjoy their videos even though I don’t always agree. Most are less than 10 minutes.
Still painting, female figures, some nude, on abstract backgrounds in Abstract Painting 2, the online course with Pauline Agnew. Fantastic teacher and class — I always get so much from her courses.
Natural Rock Formation: Retriever looking to the Sea, Willard Beach, South Portland Maine
Wonderful walk at Willard this morning. I walked the beach for nearly a year, before i saw this rock formation. Striking, as Willard is the best Dog Friendly beach ever.